Desolation of Lil Smaug
by The Wicked Witch of Cupcakes
Summary: In an alternate universe Bilbo gets a little sidetracked while stealing the arkenstone and ends up in NYC with Smaug! Or should I say Lil Smaug? To say the least, things get interesting. Join Bilbo as he retells the gang what happened and how exactly he lost the arkenstone at a chinese restaurant on 8th Avenue.


A small huddle of dwarves and one frightened hobbit stood huddled on the side of a steep outcrop of a very lonely mountain. In fact, it _was _the Lonely Mountain. They stood facing a door that had been revealed to them by moonlight. This door was the only way into the mountain. Now the little hobbit was saying his last goodbyes to his friends who had accompanied him on this life-changing journey.

"It's not too late to go back," Balin said leaning over Bilbo's shoulder. Bilbo knew this was a lie. But he couldn't help imagining what lay beyond that dark corridor he stared into. His train of thought was cut off when Thorin slapped him on the back.

"Don't worry, Bilbo, I have the greatest faith in you. I couldn't ask for a better theft." Said Thorin. He smiled at Bilbo reassuringly. "Thanks Thorin." Bilbo said. He gulped and turned around to face the dwarves.

"Moment of truth…I guess I'll see you on the other side." He walked through the door, took one last glance back at the dwarves, and disappeared into the heart of the mountain…

**A Few Days Later…**

"Thorin this is ridiculous!" Balin said, trying to reason with him. "It's been days since Bilbo left. We have to go in after him!" Thorin just stared into at the hidden door.

"No. We just have to give him more time…"

"More time to do what? Die? At this point if Biblo isn't dead than shave off my beard and call me an elf!" Thorin didn't answer just stared intensely ahead, as if urging Bilbo to appear, the arkenstone in his hand. But nothing happened, well not _nothing…_

"Hey guys." A voice said. Every dwarf jumped and turned pale as a ghost.

"B-Bil-Bilbo?" Thorin mustered.

"Yep." There was a silence as all the dwarves tried to understand what they were looking at.

Finally Dwalin asked in disbelief "What are you _wearing?_" Bilbo looked down at his saggy pants that were showing off his patterned underwear. On top of this he was wearing a hoodie and pounds of bling that jingled when he walked. It was amazing he had snuck up on them, but he saw nothing amiss with his wardrobe.

"The real question is, what are _you _wearing? I mean, knee high boots? Vests? Swords? So not cool." Bilbo shook his head dismissively. If he was gonna keep hanging out with this crowd they were going to need some serious outfit revamping.

Thorin recovered from his shock and quickly remembered the only important question. "None of this matters. Do you have the arkenstone?"

Bilbo sucked his breath in quickly. "Yeah…About that, Smaug and I kinda spent it on some wicked Chinese food on 8th Avenue. But I mean, it was worth it. That was some _mad_ _good_ fried rice." All the dwarves looked at Bilbo with confused faces.

"Is he speaking elvish?" Asked Dori to Nori quietly.

"I think he's lost it." Whispered Bifur to Bombur.

"Bilbo. I think I can safely say that I speak for all of us when I say we are very confused. Please, just start from the beginning. What happened in there?" Balin said, ever the voice of reason.

"Well," Bilbo began. All the dwarves gathered around and leaned in to hear. "So as you know I went in to get the arkenstone, and all that stuff, but when I got there, there were literally, like, giant piles of gold, everywhere. And so as you can imagine I was having a hard time finding the arkenstone. Well as I was searching through the piles I accidentally slipped on some gold and sent a whole avalanche of the stuff crashing down."

"Classic Bilbo." Whispered Dwalin. Balin elbowed him to shut up.

"And suddenly there was this giant dragon, and I mean _giant. _But anyway, so I was all like, 'Hey, I'm kinda lost here, could'ya point me in the direction of the arkenstone.' And he started laughing so hard, so you know I just joined so it wasn't awkward. And then he was all like, 'puny dwarf, like, why do you think I'd give you the arkenstone?' And I was all like, 'Well first off, I ain't no dwarf, second-"

"Wait, I'm confused. Since when do you talk like…erm…like that?" Asked Ori.

"All in good time my friend, all in good time." Answered Bilbo, then he smiled with satisfaction and just stared into the distance for a moment. All the dwarves tried to find what he was looking at, but failed. _OOkkaayyy..._They all thought in unison. Suddenly Bilbo continued his story.

"So as I was saying, I was all like 'second, I can guarantee that if you give me the arkenstone, I will put it to good use. But first I'd give it to my main man Thorin." And Bilbo quickly winked at Thorin, who looked back at him confused. "And then Smaug was like, '_hell no,_ fool. I ain't parting with any of my booty.' Just as he said that, his stomach started growling. So I said 'you hungry?' He was like 'yeah, fool.' And I was like-"

"Bilbo could you please stop talking like that? I simply can't understand anything." Said Balin politely. Bilbo looked at him confused.

"Talking like how?" Balin didn't know how to answer this question, so Bilbo just continued.

"So, anyway, long story short, Smaug was like, 'I knew this wicked awesome Chinese place on 8th I'll go get some grub there.' And I was like 'What's this Chinese stuff you talk'n bout?' And he was all like, 'dude, you have not lived.' So we grabbed some gold and junk and I just hopped up on his back and we took off fly'n to New York City." Bilbo spread his arms like wings and started to mimick Smaug.

"So, anyway-"

"Are you going to start every sentence with 'so, anyway'?" Asked Thorin, starting to get angry now.

"What you talking 'bout fool?" Said Bilbo.

"Bilbo, so, what happened in this 'New York City' you speak off?" Asked Balin. Bilbo looked down at the dwarves as if he were a teacher explaining chocolate, or happiness to a class.

"New York City is the place where dreams come true, my friends. I tell you, that city changed me."

"No kidding." Muttered Dwalin.

"I'm not the little cowardly hobbit I once was. I know where I belong now. I have my confidence. I don't need some silly ring to make me feel good about myself." Said Bilbo, showing off his many bling rings on this fingers. "That's right. I know where I belong now, and that's making music. Rap music."

"What is this 'rap music'?" Asked Ori.

"Rap music is like taking your soul and putting it into meaningless lyrics that you say as fast as you can without any tune, just a mindless beat." They all stared at him in confusion. "And that is the meaning of life. It's all thanks to Smaug. We formed this rap group together, 'Lil Smaug and the Barrel Rider'. Lil Smaug is Smaug, and I'm the barrel rider. And he told me you guys could be in it too if you wanted, cause we need some backup dancers/singers."

"So you did all this over a few days?" Asked Dori, who was kind of intrigued.

"No, don't be craycray. That was only the first day. The second day, whoowee! You see I got this idea, like, Smaug's got all this gold lying around, why not use it? So we went mansion shopping. After we bought a few we liked, we threw some _mad wicked_ awesome parties. They were like off the h_ook._ You could say when Smaug got there things started to- heat up!See what I did there? Oh man, I just crack myself up sometimes. But seriously, Smaug had one too many tequilas and kind of burned one mansion downed…" Bilbo got serious all of a sudden.

"But don't worry we still had four more, and only a few people died." He said, back to his overly happy self from before. All the dwarves looked horrified, but Bilbo didn't notice.

"But don't let that fool you, Smaug is a wild party dragon. Ohh man! And lemme just say, he knows how to pick up da ladies. Of course, I'm not too shabby myself if you know what I'm saying." He said, nudging Ori, who was confused and a bit scared.

"And guess who I showed up? Gandalf! Oh man! Does that wizard know how to par-tay. Lemme give you a piece of advice my friends, do NOT challenge that wizard to a dance off. You WILL lose." And Bilbo started to laugh at a past hilarious moment that none of the dwarves were there for, and hence, did not understand.

"Um, but yeah, Smaug's a cool dude…And did you know Legolas is a L'Oreal model. All though I guess you could say, T'aurial model!HAHA, get it? Cause- "

Finally Thorin lost it and shouted at Bilbo rather violently, "But WHERE IS THE ARKENSTONE?"

"Chill dude." Bilbo said, swiping his hand off his shoulders. "It's somewhere at a Chinese restaurant on 8th Avenue."

"You spent the arkenstone on Chinese food?" Said Thorin, a mix of anger and pain in his voice.

"Don't worry my homie, I'm sure you'll find it soon enough. It's not like they can really sell it…Well actually…but they'll probably just use it as a fancy center piece or decoration till you go pick it up."

"You want us to travel to this 'New York City' to get MY arkenstone because you spent it on Chinese food?" Said Thorin, in utter disbelief at this point. However the other dwarves perked up at this suggestion.

"I think it sounds like a good idea." Said Nori.

"After all, we have come all this way already, why not just finish it?" Said Gloin.

"And Gandalf _is_ there. Perhaps he can help us." Said Balin, still the voice of reason.

"Plus New York City sounds exciting!" Said Ori joyfully. All the dwarves were overcome with excitement, curiosity, and were intrigued by this 'New York City'. They all wanted to go, except for Thorin.

"This is ridiculous." Said Thorin.

"Is it though?" Said Bilbo. "Once you have the arkenstone you'll be King underground or something like that right? And you'll have all that money and wealth, and fame. You can have any girl you want. Kili wants that elf chick? He can have her. Money can do that kind of thing. Money can do anything." Bilbo made a pouty face and his eyes bulged and got huge. "Do it for Kili."

"Yeah, for Kili!" Shouted Dwalin, and all the dwarves joined in. Thorin shook his head in submission.

"Very well, there's no point arguing." Then he smiled. "For Kili!" And all the dwarves started chanting.

"One problem though." Said Balin. "How will we get there?" At this Bilbo started laughing. "Don't worry I've got it covered." He simply said. He walked around a sharp corner of the mountain and out of sight. All the dwarves quickly followed him. All their eyes bulged in amazement at a brand new yellow Ferrari. Bilbo pulled out some car keys and started getting in.

"How did you even get that thing up here?" Asked Bifur. Bilbo just laughed knowingly and said, "I told you, anything is possible if you're willingly to pay."

So all the dwarves piled in. Bilbo ramped up the engines and looked back at them. "Buckle up boyz." And with that he drove straight over the cliff. All the dwarves started screaming in terror. They seemed about to hit the ground, when suddenly a vast scaly back emerged beneath them and carried them back up. A red scaly face to match the scaly back looked back at them and winked. On the head was a backwards basketball cap, and on the neck was enough bling to match Bilbo. On the back of his hoodie it said 'I am Fire, I am Death' encircled in cartoon flames.

"Hey, Lil Smaug."

"Hey, Barrel Rider." The dragon winked behind his sunglasses. Bilbo turned the music up. Lil Smaug and the Barrel Rider's latest song was on, 'Barrel-riding'.

_ They see me riding, they hate'n_ (To the tune of Ridin') began playing through the radio, and all the dwarves started to sing along, yes, even Thorin. And together they all rode off on the back of a fire breathing dragon to New York City.


End file.
